Post by Josh Zinn.
Happy Day-After-Thanksgiving, dear readers! Instead of a normal review, we have brought you a live-blog of the holiday favorite, “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.” Enjoy!
0:05 – Okay, here we go. Lucy is questioning Charlie Brown’s masculinity via a game of football. Equating the kicking of the pigskin with the thanks we give as a nation, she clearly understands how insecurity and patriotism go hand in hand.
2:02 – “What did you expect? A turkey card?” Sally Brown delving into surrealism as she ponders the US Mail System. All these kids seem so troubled by holidays. Oh jeez, here comes Linus to ruin everyone’s fun by explaining what Thanksgiving is really about. Blah, blah, blippity bloo.
3:45 – Rosie O’Donnell calls Charlie Brown, pretending to be someone named Peppermint Patty. She invites herself over for Thanksgiving. She keeps calling him Chuck and demands he save her the drumstick and the neck. Fans of Rosie will remember her predilection for turkey necks, so this should come as no surprise…
6:00 – Chuck’s having a meltdown. Now he has a bunch of kids coming over for dinner and he’s going to his Grammy’s house. Of course! Let’s just have two dinners and ask the dog to cook!!
7:10 – Some god awful jazz music is playing whilst Snoopy and Woodstock prep ping-pong tables for the big event. It’s pre-Sandra Lee tablescaping on a budget! “Little Birrrrdy….” Seriously, this song is filler. Snoopy is caught between said ping-pong tables, yet emerges triumphant. Alas, now the Adirondack chair is now assaulting him. That’s life.
10:15 – Rosie and her friends (including that poor girl Marci, who wear glasses yet has no pupils) have taken it upon themselves to decide that this Thanksgiving should be contempo-casual. “You can come as you are,” she proclaims while Kurt Cobain shudders from the heavens.
11:00 – Snoopy is cooking! Toast is toasting. Butter is buttering. Popcorn is popcorning. This is a very carb-heavy Thanksgiving; I suggest some Activia for dessert. Does anyone find it gruesome that a bird is helping to cook this feast?
13:10 – Snoopy and Woodstock are now dressing up as Pilgrims, cause Snoopy, y’know, just had that outfit lying around. What if someone dressed up as Snoopy and then dressed up as a pilgrim as well? Thankful Furrying? Charlie Brown does the right thing and puts that dog in a chef’s hat.
15:13 – Ding Dong! Rosie’s here
15:35 – Everyone is seated. Outside. In November. I never knew Peanuts took place in Palm Beach.
16:00 – Oh god, Linus is explain Thanksgiving AGAIN. Give it a rest kid. No one likes someone being the moral compass at every party. At least he’s surrounded by what look like raspberry parfaits.
17:20 – Rosie is flipping her lid. Jellybeans? Popcorn? Obviously the woman is open-minded because she seems not to mind a dog serving her. Let it be known, though, never give Rosie O’Donnell a pretzel stick or she’ll ream you. Rude.
17:35 – Shot of Sally eating. She’s useless.
18:25 – It takes a girl without eyes to muster up the courage to put Rosie in her place. There’s a parable there, I think. Now she’s asking Marci to hit on Charlie Brown for her. This cartoon is very unrealistic.
19:10 – Linus is bringing up Myles Standish AGAIN. Stand down, blanket boy!
20:13 – Rosie apologizes and asks not to play, “lovers games.” Again, unrealistic.
21:20 – Chuck’s talking to Grams on the phone and she sounds like she’s chewing on a mouthful of squirrels. She invites everyone to come to her condo for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, that’s right. Palm Beach.
21:45 – They all leave Snoopy behind so that he and Woodstock can eat a turkey dinner Snoopy’s been hoarding in his doghouse. Again, Woodstock, a little bird, is eating a turkey. This seems very wrong.
22:00 – And it’s all over and what we’re left with are the credits and Snoopy gorging himself on pumpkin pie and guilt. Blame it on Rosie.