Post by Josh Zinn.
With the exception of famine, genocide, and people who willingly use the phrase “it’s my time to indulge!” as an excuse for treating themselves to things like sugar free vanilla lattes, Sun Chips, or a Wendy’s Frosty™ frozen dairy desserts, there are few things that I will not stand for more than the rancid sight of a struggling student crumbling under the weight of societal expectations. With so much pestilence, poverty, and permissiveness paralyzing our great land already, it is beyond heartbreaking to witness people—just like you and me!—ostracized and obliterated just because they can’t ace an algebra test, go out for the equestrian team, or sell as many school-fundraising magazine subscriptions as that weird overweight kid who breathes through his mouth and whose family owns the cutlery store in the mall (y’know, the one with the suit of armor standing in front of it) that no one you know has ever stepped foot in.
Perhaps this is why, dear readers, I have chosen to present to you today not just a review, but, rather, a public service announcement that tells the sad yet uplifting tale of just such an unfortunate soul, “Strangers With Candy’s” Jerri Blank.
Like so many unique flowers before her, Jerri has struggled all her life to understand just why it is that she doesn’t fit in. Born into a family that would sooner feed her to the wolves than feed her mind with the great works of Dostoyevsky, Dickens, and Danielle Steele, Jerri’s home life led her astray at an early age to the horrors of the street. Whilst school chums were learning to tie their shoes and tap dance, our fair lass was learning to tie one off just so she could make it through another lap dance. And for what? Another hit of smack instead of her favorite Easy Mac snack? For shame, America. For shame.
Now, in her forties and not-so-lovin’-it, Jerri has made the courageous decision to gather up the pieces of her life, go back to school, and start anew. Though other women her age may be learning to embrace the goddess The View says is within, our Jerri is learning to accept the fact that she must open a window to a new view on life—one that lets her be a heroine without heroin.
This, dear readers, is where you come in.
Though I know many of you must already be reaching for your wallets, wondering how you can help contribute to the renewal of one of our most valuable resources, I am here to tell you that you needn’t shove any more bills down Jerri’s pants to help strip her of her shame. Instead, what you can do is watch all three seasons of the riveting television documentary, “Strangers With Candy,” which details Jerri’s difficult transition back to high school as a not-so-traditional (and how!) student.
As each episode unfolds, you’ll gain a greater and deeper respect and understanding for all the dilemmas faced by women of the night whom have chosen to return to the day. Does being a drug runner make you good at track? How can I choose to walk away from an argument rather than stab a girl’s eye with my six-inch heels? If I sell my body today, does it mean I’ll get an A tomorrow? These are the questions Jerri must ponder every day and the cameras are right there with her, capturing every hesitation and quiet conversation with God.
Of course, amidst all the nervous breakdowns and drug withdrawals, fun with a capital F (Fun!) is also to be had as Jerri engages in wacky adventures with all of her new underage buddies! Watch as she tutors a blind student on human anatomy! Marvel as she challenges the inequalities wrought from our country’s race war by claiming a role in Raisin in the Sun! Cheer her on as she takes back her virginity from the hundreds of liver-spotted hands that have run their bony fingers across her! It’s time to feel good again America and Jerri’s here to massage all that mirth into you for only $75 an hour!
There are so many problems we face, both on our own and as a nation. Wouldn’t it make the world a better place then if, even for thirty minutes, we all took the time to watch a degenerate woman with clearly no hope for the future try to carve out her own little piece of heaven?
Now that’s something I can stand for. That’s the America I want to live in.