Post by Josh Zinn.
Sometimes I wonder if Kevin Bacon knows
Just how zeitgeisty he can be.
How seven whole degrees of him
Are coupled with a name invoking hipster breakfast meat.
Do you think he sits there in his mansion,
Footloose and fancy free?
Smiling at all the people connecting him-
Thinking, “I love that all y’all’s roads lead to me!”
Well, Kevin’s got a new show he’s starring in.
Nope, no more movies for KB!
Now he’s in Fox’s “The Following.”
Oooh, it’s a serial killer mystery!
Seems there’s an evil professor-
(I profess I had one of those in school)
Who’s created a cult of blood and mayhem,
And he’s making Kevin Bacon lose his cool.
So far I’ve seen six episodes,
And I still don’t know what to think.
Sure, there’s a creepy, “you’re all going to die!!” vibe-
But I get that just imagining lonely girls listening to Pink.
I still don’t really follow “The Following”
I sort of think I know what’s going on
That mean ol’ teacher has some murderous plan-
And Kevin Bacon’s kind of his pawn.
Add to that a whole slew of weak-minded, homicidal fans-
(The kind that ask for autographs; not the kind that keep you cool)
And you’ve got terror in the streets, I tell you!
It’s the worst thing that’s happened since the Ghostbusters battled Zuul!
Oh yeah – There’s also a kid involved.
Yawn, I needn’t talk much about him.
All he does is pout and cry.
Pretty soon he’s gonna choke on all that phlegm.
What really torques me, though,
And what really gets me ravin’ mad,
Are all the lazy Edgar Allen Poe references-
As if reading The Raven is an indicator someone was born evil n’ bad.
Nevermore, I want to cry!!
Can’t these Hollywood folks figure it out!?
If you really want to trigger someone’s violent rage,
Just show them a picture of Bette Midler’s gruesome snout.
That’s a different story, though-
A tale our Mr. Bacon has never told.
So I guess I’ll keep on watching “The Following”
Until the flicker of Kevin Bacon’s St. Elmo’s fire has gone quiet and oh so cold.